Understanding Mother-Daughter Relationships, For Young Women and Their Moms
This guest post graciously submitted by Ashley Kervabon.
It would be a lie to say that my mom and I have always been on good terms. Actually, it would be an even bigger lie to say that we’re on good terms right now. But even so, I will say this: my mom is the best mother anyone could ever ask for. That’s a nice thing to say about someone you’re not on good terms with isn’t it?
Well, I have realized a certain pattern in our relationship that I think makes us a good example for other mother-daughter relationships. We yell and scream and then there’s the occasional throwing of objects then five minutes later we’re out shopping together or grabbing coffee. That’s just the way we are. We have tried fighting, not fighting, the silent treatment, avoiding arguments, counseling…pretty much everything. Have we found a solution to end our bickering and disagreements? No,not yet. And to be honest, I don’t think we ever will.
I will never be able to say these things to my mother because I don’t know if she will understand them. But maybe while you are reading this you’ll think about your mom and it’ll help you both better understand each other. Understanding each other is probably the key to any mother-daughter relationship; more so than listening or talking, what good is any of that if you don’t get it?
Because I now understand my mom a little more, I try not to pick fights with her. I instead, try to get her to listen to me which has been the toughest part of the past year or so. While I still lived at home, she was always trying to get me to listen and now that I have moved out, the tables are turned. At first, I was a little annoyed and I kept saying that I had to be the “better person” and not fight with her. But when it comes to mothers and daughters, there is no “better person”. We are equal, or at least I’d like to think so.
The thing is, we cannot stop our mothers from worrying about us. It’s just not possible. And it may seem silly, but ever since I got my kitty, I understand that better. Whenever I can’t find him, I panic. Whenever he doesn’t have food or water in his bowl, I feel really sad for him. I can’t control it. When I started noticing these things about myself, I started calling my mom just to say hi and ask her how her day was.
Moving out was probably the best decision I have ever made, especially when it comes to our relationship. I actually WANT to see my mom now, and I WANT us to talk and hangout. I can’t tell you I felt that way when I still lived at home. She doesn’t understand it. She doesn’t get how being apart can make us closer, or if she does, she just misses me way too much to admit it.
My mom has been wrong about a lot of things. But no one is perfect. My mom has also been right about a lot of things. These things are usually things that I already know but I pretend to not know them so that she can feel like she taught me something. That makes her happy. And honestly, that is all I want for her and I know that is all she wants for me. The difference is, I know what makes her happy and she doesn’t know what makes me happy.
The best part about my mom is that she always knows how to make me feel better. She might not always say the right things at first, but she does come around. I used to think talking to her was pointless. Why should I talk if she isn’t going to listen? But now I see that I can’t give up on her. That’d be like giving up on a perfect relationship with Prince Charming just because he has one little defect.
My mom has always told me that she wants us to be best friends. Whenever she used to say this, I would turn away and giggle. Now I am speechless because I want that too. But I don’t think I have ever told her that, and that is something I just realized now. Regardless of how crazy I think she acts sometimes I want that crazy person to be there for me all the time. I want her to know about my life. I want her to know me. And I don’t think she really does.
Sometimes I do just want to give up. A lot of the times I just want to pretend that I don’t want to have a real relationship with my mom and keep pretending that fighting with her isn’t such a big deal. The truth is I can’t keep that sixteen year old mentality anymore. I admit that if I could, life would be so much easier, but since I can’t I need motivation to keep me going.
When things are broken we have to fix them, and when relationships are worth it we have to fight for them, no?
It’d be wrong not to fight for my mom- and I guess that is what will keep me going.