Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Fat Kid Forever

May 13, 2010 by  
Filed under Self Esteem

I am a fat kid.  Granted, I’m not a kid anymore, but I am fat, and that fat kid will always be with me.

It got worse from here.

Growing up, I was fat and got made fun of.  Top it off with bad hair, crooked teeth and a “weird” personality, I was a bully’s dream come true.  And as I got older and realized that people judged others on how they look, my self esteem plummeted and became an even bigger target (figuratively and literally) for those that enjoy that sort of tormenting.

When I’m afraid of something, nervous, or shy – the fat kid makes an appearance.  My fat kid tells me “if something goes wrong, it’s because you’re fat.”  That was the message the fat kid believed when she was younger.  And that is the message the fat kid believes even now sometimes, even as fat kid in adult skin.

It’s a tough obstacle to get over – the belief that everything bad that happens to you is because you are fat.  That boy doesn’t like you, you didn’t get that job, your friends stopped calling.  Blaming it on your fat is a cozy, chunky security blanket that prevents you from acknowledging that sometimes you are the reason things go wrong, not your fat.

And I’m there.  I’ve spent the last year or so evaluating my youth and stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my youth – I am fascinated by the whole nature vs. nurture in child-rearing, so I seem to be constantly thinking about why I am the way I am, and why people are the way they are.

Especially my family.

See, growing up with two older sisters, I always wanted to be just like them.  They were pretty and popular (in their own way) and (most importantly to me), they had BOYFRIENDS.  To me, having a boy like you was the only definitive way of knowing that I was normal and not a total freak.  I watched a lot of TV, and I guess that was one of the main lessons I learned.

But I never got that boyfriend.  When I liked a boy, they teased me, did mean things to me, made fun of me – things that really screwed my brain up.

I spent most of my life feeling unlovable and worthless.

Until recently.

Over the last few years, before I met my husband, I spent a lot of time by myself.  Partly by choice, partly by circumstance.  And I got to really know myself.

And you know what?  I like me!  (I’m still working on loving me, but that’s another post.)  And you know what else?  I’m glad I’m a fat kid.

Being a fat kid forced me to work on my personality, kept me from going on so many dates I couldn’t keep up with my school work, prevented me from wearing tube tops and hot pants, helped me develop and hone my compassion, sympathy and empathy for others, and basically made me this awesome fat kid adult that I am today.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So suck it, everyone from Junior High.

visit Sylvia at


7 Responses to “Fat Kid Forever”
  1. tammy says:

    I could have written this… except for the two older sister’s part, your story is my story. I don’t have the happily ever after yet (I divorced the loser I spent my youth on) but I’m beginning to think there may be hope.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • Sylvia says:

      it really is comforting to know that other people have experienced the same things. Since I still carry that fat kid mentality with me wherever I go, it feels great to connect to other “kindred spirits” that make me feel like less of a weirdo!

      There is definitely hope!

  2. Candice says:

    Once again, sounds SO familiar (except I have one younger sister who had the life I always wanted). Even when I lost weight and was of “average” size, I was the fat kid inside. By the time I felt less like the fat kid, I was putting the weight back on and continually confused – was I still the fat kid or was I the self I learned to really like when I was thinner and was finally able to see who I was beyond the fat that I *thought* held me back. It’s something I’m still working on.

  3. Ashley @ Fitsmi says:

    Your story is inspiring, and I think people of all ages can relate because everyone has struggled with body image at some point. It’s so easy to obsess over our appearance when we’re young, especially for kids who get teased for the way they look. Wouldn’t it have been great to have a crystal ball as a kid so you could look ahead and see how happy you are today?

  4. Nell says:

    I wasn’t the fat kid. I was the freaky runty kid. No difference except that my envy extends to your fabulous boobs, Sylvia! When it isn’t your body, it’s your mind. No matter what makes you not fit into the sheep mold of high school life, it’s going to make you miserable.

    Looking different is just the worst of it. I still carry that geeky glasses-wearing runt inside of me, and she always tries jumping out when I’m about to give a speech. Getting over the belief that you’re worth less because you’re just that different- I admire you for having come that far. I’m still on my way there.

  5. William says:


    I was fat at birth 10+ lbs. then became stocky until the end of Elementary School. That is when I became self-conscious how my fat jiggled and stop wearing form fitting clothes. By High School I would no participate in some Gym classes like Swim Class or skins and shirts games.

  6. dufmanno says:

    Girl, we love you just the way you are and incidentally tube tops and hot pants really didn’t work for anyone. Well, unless you are roller girl from Boogie Nights.
    As a side note I’d like to add that the head cheerleader with perky boobs that tortured everyone in my school is still as mean and horrible as she ever was! I think her husband is secretly plotting to kill her.

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