Fat Kid Forever
I am a fat kid. Granted, I’m not a kid anymore, but I am fat, and that fat kid will always be with me.
When I’m afraid of something, nervous, or shy – the fat kid makes an appearance. My fat kid tells me “if something goes wrong, it’s because you’re fat.” That was the message the fat kid believed when she was younger. And that is the message the fat kid believes even now sometimes, even as fat kid in adult skin.
It’s a tough obstacle to get over – the belief that everything bad that happens to you is because you are fat. That boy doesn’t like you, you didn’t get that job, your friends stopped calling. Blaming it on your fat is a cozy, chunky security blanket that prevents you from acknowledging that sometimes you are the reason things go wrong, not your fat.
And I’m there. I’ve spent the last year or so evaluating my youth and stopped feeling sorry for myself.
I spend a lot of time thinking about my youth – I am fascinated by the whole nature vs. nurture in child-rearing, so I seem to be constantly thinking about why I am the way I am, and why people are the way they are.
Especially my family.
See, growing up with two older sisters, I always wanted to be just like them. They were pretty and popular (in their own way) and (most importantly to me), they had BOYFRIENDS. To me, having a boy like you was the only definitive way of knowing that I was normal and not a total freak. I watched a lot of TV, and I guess that was one of the main lessons I learned.
But I never got that boyfriend. When I liked a boy, they teased me, did mean things to me, made fun of me – things that really screwed my brain up.
I spent most of my life feeling unlovable and worthless.
Over the last few years, before I met my husband, I spent a lot of time by myself. Partly by choice, partly by circumstance. And I got to really know myself.
And you know what? I like me! (I’m still working on loving me, but that’s another post.) And you know what else? I’m glad I’m a fat kid.
Being a fat kid forced me to work on my personality, kept me from going on so many dates I couldn’t keep up with my school work, prevented me from wearing tube tops and hot pants, helped me develop and hone my compassion, sympathy and empathy for others, and basically made me this awesome fat kid adult that I am today. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So suck it, everyone from Junior High.
visit Sylvia at www.zaftigchicks.com