Saturday, October 1, 2016

I’m still lumpy.

September 27, 2009 by  
Filed under Self Esteem

Since about the age of 12 or so I was under the impression that if I just lost weight I’d look like all those pretty people in the magazines. You know, the white ones with long skinny bodies, toothpick arms, flawless complexions, and perfectly smooth skin.

I mean, I resembled them already. I am white. I have blond hair. I am tall.  I’m expected to look like them. Right? They wouldn’t be in the magazine if they weren’t pretty. If they weren’t perfect. If they weren’t what I was suppose to look like.

Plus people told me all the time that “I’d be so pretty if I only lost weight.” Weren’t they really saying “I’d look like those beautiful people in the magazine” if I did?

But I didn’t. I never did.

I was lumpy.

So started my journey of dieting. There weren’t pro-anorexia sites let alone the internet as we know it in the early 90s but if there were you bet I would have been on them.  I tried so hard not to eat.  I really did. But I liked food too much. So I just ate. And ate. It made me feel good. It tasted good. Since I liked to eat so much I thought about purging…. but I wasn’t “strong” enough.

After a little while my body did start to change. I looked less and less like the people in the magazines. I hated myself more and more.

So I hid.

I hid in baggy clothes and men’s jeans. All the while wishing I could wear pretty sundresses or sleeveless shirts. The whole time still pursuing that perfect magazine body.

I made some–what I thought back then–was progress. I’d lose some weight eating only grapefruits or avoiding all carbs. Inevitably I gained it back. With a bit more as I ate more to punish myself for failing.

Food became the bane of my existence.

Food. The source of nutrients and fuel for my body caused me nothing but misery and torment for more then 15 years.

Then I got pregnant.

Not only did I have to accept that my body was about to change. Drastically. I had to learn how to eat for the sake of my unborn child. I had to. How could I teach him what happy and healthy was when I was so broken?

When that child came and I looked in his eyes I realized something. He could care less if I looked like those women in the magazine. For the first time I felt what it was like to love unconditionally and to be loved.

The pursuit of some magazine image now seemed so silly. I had other, more important things to worry about.

But something strange started to happen. As I taught myself how to eat again, not to reach some ridiculous unattainable goal of looking like someone in a magazine but to truly learn balance, I did lose weight.

I’m not gonna lie. I was happy to be losing. Who wouldn’t be after a lifelong pursuit of weight loss. But my mindset was changing. My motivation was different.

I lost more weight then I ever imagined possible. I was thinner then that 12 year old girl who thought looking like an image in a magazine would bring happiness.

But guess what.

I’m still lumpy.

And that’s ok.

I’m happier then I’ve ever been

WATRD

Comments

18 Responses to “I’m still lumpy.”
  1. Marnie says:

    Great post!

    I’ve just recently pulled my head out of the fridge and realized the difference between “dieting” and “eating properly”. It’s funny how both CAN get you to the same goal but how much easier and more enjoyable it is to reach and maintain that goal when you’ve chosen the right path to get there.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

  2. MizFit says:

    I was honored to read this before you posted it and then, as now when Im rereading, the sentence which leaps out to me is I TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO EAT AGAIN.

    like learning to walk.

    getting back to the basics and the beginning in order to bloom as the woman you are today.

    thank you for your honesty and sharing.

    you KNOW I admire it.

  3. Alice says:

    It is so amazing what unconditional love can do. When I looked into my son’s eyes, I loved myself more because I could just glimpse myself the way he saw me, and it was a beautiful picture. My journey into healthier eating was due to him, too. I wanted to teach him a better way to eat than I grew up knowing.

  4. Love this post! Your expoerience sounds so very much like my own!

    Now if we can just make sure that all 12 year old girls realize that the women in magazines aren’t actually REAL (they’re manipulated images), we’ll be getting somewhere!

  5. Gayle says:

    Beautiful post Roni. Thanks for sharing your soul with us.

  6. Debi says:

    Thanks so much for sharing. Your where writing my story; howevr it took me 40 years to love my lumpy self.

  7. Reese says:

    Wow..This is unreal, just yesterday as I looked at my blotchy skin ..in the rear view mirror..I said how do these girls have that beautiful skin & perfect bodies, etc. I blamed it on genes and getting “old”. You are so right; my kids do not care if I’m not perfect they love me just the way I am and I so should/shall I too. You are loved Roni for all the insight you dish daily. Your faithful follower. Reese

  8. lissa10279 says:

    What a beautiful post, Roni!!! So glad you’re at such an amazing place; it’s awesome!

  9. ace of clubs says:

    And how cool that your child gets to see you modeling healthy eating and can learn from your example. Nice.

  10. Luba says:

    hey, those “long skinny arms” are often genetic; I’ve had them since I was about a year and a half…regardless of being a “chubby baby” or formed adult..

  11. Mandi says:

    Roni, I find myself sitting here this morning, reading your post, and crying like an idiot! 🙂 It hits so close to home for me. I have dealt with these feelings…trying to attain perfection…my whole life…and still deal with it everyday. I sure wish I was at the place you are now…acceptance…but I am not…maybe I have a long way to go, maybe not such a long way…but I am not there yet. I hope that one day, soon, I will be at that point…and I know, with the support and encouragment of people like you…I will make it.
    I don’t know if you realize how much your blog and your journey and your honesty means to others. You are a strong voice for all of us. Thank you, Roni, for all that you do.

  12. missyrayn says:

    I am amazed by this. This is my story without the small child. I had to reteach myself to eat and enjoy food. It no longer burdens me to eat or not. I enjoy it. Thank you so much for this post.

  13. mamaV says:

    Hi Roni! This post rules. I, like Mandi above, found myself choking up reading it. But not because I could relate. Because I know the truth.

    I had the opportunity to see myself transformed into that flawless, imaginary, “perfect” creature on the pages of a magazine as a model in Paris when I was 16. That’s what HOURS of makeup, enhanced lighting, shadowing, professional hairstyling, five grand worth of designer clothes, and a life of starvation can do for you.

    Underneath all the layers of fantasy was just me. A pimple faced teenager scared out of my wits, starving herself to death at the command of my oh-so-powerful modeling agent who had made so many super models before me. He made sure that slowly but surely, all “his girls” started shrinking. mentally and physically, the day we were taken under his sick minded wing. .

    It didn’t matter that we were chosen back in the States, in Sweden, or in Australia for our “amazing” looks. Here, in Paris, the fashion capital of the world, we were not good enough, we were not even close. No one was good enough. Our agents pounded this truth into our heads day after day until we started to live it, breath it, believe it.

    I can honestly say that those 5 years of my life, between 16-21 were the closest thing to hell I have ever experienced….going to bed with mind altering hunger pains, while I listened to my roommate throw up her pastries so she could do the Jil Sandler show the next day… facing the daily reality of personal outer analysis, day in and day out, all the way around like some kind of animal, only to be rejected for job after job. I came home some sort of shriveled up, pathetic version of myself, that I never, ever thought would come back to life.

    Well, let’s see, I am proud to say — 6 years of therapy, heavy duty anxiety meds, encouraging parents, marriage, and two children turned me right side up again! I feel like I was re-born in some kind of way.

    There is no doubt that the final, final stage of “getting over myself” was when I had my daughter. First, you have to spend your pregnancy freaking out over the weight you gain, and then the life-prize arrives in your arms, and everything, everything about yourself fades into the background.

    Ok, I could keep babbling on!!! But I want to say that Roni- this is why you are such a great blogger — you are not afraid to put yourself out there, and I know in your heart the only reason you do it is for others. Plus knowing you, and how wonderful, beautiful and kind you are makes it all that much more powerful!

    Thanks for this post 🙂
    mV

  14. clairemysko says:

    I love this post, Roni. Having spent the last year interviewing women about the impact that pregnancy and motherhood has on their body image, I am so happy to read this. You found a sense of peace with your body. You understood the awesome responsibility of dealing with your own food and weight issues so you could pass along healthy attitudes to your child. So many women can learn from your words–and I hope they do! Very inspiring, truly.

  15. Yum says:

    So inspiring for people who think crash-diets will be the solution to their problems!

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